Those of you that know me well know I like a good challenge. So, I decided about a month ago that I would teach myself German. Ok, I know it is almost impossible to teach yourself a language if you don't have anyone to talk to and you are learning it through German TV shows and music. But all I can say is...I am having a great time.

In my quest I have bought German language CDS, dictionaries and verb conjugation books, but the most helpful things I have bought so far are a variety of German phrase books. They give me a great overview of the language as well as giving me actual phrases to practice. To be honest I don't know if I am saying the phrases right, but at least it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.

In the interest of sharing the wealth I would like to share with you what I have learned from my various phrase book that might be helpful if you ever travel to a German speaking country.

Fertig? (Ready?)

First, it is important to be VERY honest about your identity to everyone you meet:














Second, it is important to know what topics of conversation to avoid, here are my suggestions of things NOT to talk about:


















If, however, you end up engaged in a conversation about these topics, here are some suggestions of phrases to use during the ensuing argument:
















If you manage to make it out of the argument without getting your ass kicked, you might even make a friend. Then you and said friend can go out and party it up a little, or a lot, if the following phrases are any indication:




















































On one of these exciting nights out you will invariably meet other human beings. Maybe one of these people will be interested in you in more that a "friendly" way.

Some of these people you will not be interested in:
















Now, telling people that you are an accountant will definitely scare off all but the most hardy of suitors, but if that does not work here are a few alternatives that should do the trick:

Ich bin ein teufelsanbeter (devil worshiper)
Ich bin ein terrorist (just what is looks like)
Ich bin ein republikaner (republican)

On the other hand, you might like someone and want to make your intentions known:













which leads to:













Which leads to:

NOTE: The following phrases should be MEMORIZED before they are needed. It would be extremely distracting to have to find and look up the phrase "Fuck Me Harder" while engaged in the actual act.

















This will lead to the need for the following phrases:













Oh, yes, how many times have I said "That was weird" after sex? Too many times, my friends, too many times.

Here are some additions phrases that should get you through almost any social situation:


At the hairdresser:













At the dentist:













And finally at the park (hopefully accompanied by a baby or child)













So there you go, all you need to know to travel the world!

Good luck with that....